What Alex Jones believes...believe it or not!


There's no need to call Alex Jones a nut.
You just need to list his belief
s!


The following list is of beliefs which Alex Jones has explicitly or implicitly stated on his cable access show--sometimes many times.

Israel microwaved a hundred thousand of its own children.
Your cell phones are watching you every moment.
The main source of meat in North Korea is executed prisoners.
SWAT teams are being taught that Christians are evil.
The government can control the weather.  (All conspiracy guys believe this.  What's the deal?)
The Mafia was started by Julius Ceaser's grandfather.
"Vaccines are killing our children--mainstream news." (Direct quote from InfoWars 12/27/01.  No sources cited.)
SWAT team guys can't satisfy a woman.  (InfoWars, 12/27/01.  You never know how Alex Jones "knows" anything.  Did the SWAT guys open up to Alex...or weas there some study done?  Alex didn't say.)
Texas is run by the Masons.  (Is that why Texas has the worst schools in the world?)
"Cell phones have been proven in hundreds of major studied to cause brain tumnors.  There's no debating it." (Also no references or citations given. Alex says he sources everything, but he sources almost nothing he says.  When you can find the source, you always discover that Alex has completely garbled it.)
Drinking fluoridated water causes your IQ to go down 10 points.  (No documentation.  No reference.  No nothing.)
Devil-worshippers run the country.  (But only angry white guys with IQ's in the mid-80's can perceive it!)
The government is afraid of smart people.  (Explains why they leave the conspiracy guys alone.)
Cell phones cause brain tumors.  "It's like proven."
The NRA are gun grabbers.  (This shows you just how far to the right Alex is..)
There are government-run white slavery rings.  (Alex didn't have time to say what government.  He said there were lots of stories about this in the back of the newspaper.  As usual, the statement is completely unsourced.)
Hitler blew up the Reichstag.  (Blew it up?  I thought he radio-controlled some planes into it.  Or was it a missile...?)
Columbine was a government op.  (Rule 1 for conspiracy nuts: anything you don't like is a government op.  No proof required.)
Wal-Mart is a Defense Department front. (No proof required.)
Bill Clinton is a CIA agent.  (Better you should ask, who's NOT a CIA agent in Alex's comic-book fantasy.)
Illegal aliens get to go to the front in emergency rooms.  (They should--for keeping our economy afloat year after year.)
They put mercury in your vaccines to brain-damage your children.  (Hence the 9/11 Truth Movement.)
The Aztecs would take hallucinogenic enemas and cut their penises off.  (Ah, the Sixties!)
Alex Jones has correctly predicted everything that has happened in the last 10 years.  (Can you spell M-E-G-A-L-O-M-A-N-I-A?  I thought you could...)
FEMA has a giant private army.  (They just can't find it.)
Everyone is talking about world government.  (No they're not.  As used by normal people, the phrase "new world order" simply means a change in the world order.  It has no implication of world government.  Conspiracy nuts are stupid--what can I say?)
Vaccines have brain-damaged millions of babies.  (Based on a misreading of CDC documents.  Alex Jones misreads everything in order to keep his fantasies flying.)
You can't succeed in academe unless you agree that 80% of the population has to be killed off.  (That's all those stuck-up academics talk about.)
Black helicopters are real. (You create your own reality, dig.)
Illegal immigrants get free tuition and discounts on their Twinkies.  They always go to the front of the line in emergency rooms.  (It's part of the takeover.)
There's a worldwide takeover going on, perceptible only to dumb white guys...
...but everyone is waking up.  (Conspiracy nuts always say "everyone is waking up."  It's part of their delusional system--like their imagined  ability to predict the future.)
The ruling elite of the world worship Moloch.  (The evidence for this is a blurry video of the show at Bohemian Grove.  Alex thinks the Bohemian Grove show is real.)
The secret rulers of the world can live forever.  (No one knows where this comes from or why Alex believes it.  I think it came from a dream Alex had.  As far as I know, the rulers of the world continue to die normally.)
The elite have openly announced that they want to kill 80% of us.  (But, oddly, in all the world only Alex Jones noticed these startling admissions!)
Dick Cheney writes papers saying terrorism isn't real.  (Alex wouldn't say what papers.  Though he talks incessantly about documentation, Alex Jones almost never says where he gets his information, much less why it's dependable.)
The U.S. Government went around Italy blowing up school busses full of children...& admitted it.  (Twirling their moustaches & going "Nya-ha-ha-ha!"  Alex hears a lot of admissions no one else can hear.)
The left-right political spectrum is bogus (This is the dominant paradigm of stupid people today! They never offer a shred of proof.  It's just too self-evident to prove, when you're as smart as these guys.)
There are little wires in dollar bills that keep track of what you buy.  (Somehow.)
Vicente Fox can morph into a green devil. (Alex says he saw him do it.  Honest.  This vision occurred when Fox visited Texas, c. 2003-4, & Alex bullhorned him.)
The Communist Chinese Army has taken over the Massachusetts Port Authority.  (Maybe it's some kind of brain seizure with Alex.)
Noam Chomsky is a mongoloid idiot.  Also an agent.
There are Illuminati symbols on Starbucks coffee cups.  (The Illuminati leave clues visible only to angry white guys with IQ's in the mid-80's.)
Exits on tollroads are 50 miles apart. (It's a takeover opnly Alex Jones could see!  Who woulda thought?)
Jacques Cousteau wanted to kill 80% of us. (Jacques, too?  I wonder why he didn't live forever?)
Margaret Sanger gave & received awards from Hitler.  (When the Nazis weren't burning her books.)
There are live AIDS viruses in the corn. (This means no sex with the corn.)
91% of Americans are Nazis. (Alex says anyone who favors gun control is a Nazi; 91% of Americans favor mandatory handgun registration; that's a lotta Nazis, Alex.)
The United Nations goes around Africa, sterilizing women at random (twirling their moustaches & going "Nya-ha-ha-haa!")
The Founding Fathers were basically stupid (they were Masons––but they didn't know about the secret conspiracy so obvious to Alex & his friends)
Masons can commit murder.  They make a secret sign to the judges and are immediately set free.  This has been solidly confirmed.
All throughout history, governments have always been Evil.  (Bet you didn't know that.  Like most of the Patriots, Alex is an anti-government bigot.  He frequently poses as a historian, but no real historian subscribes to Alex Jones's bad comic book.)
Power outages are government plots.
Illegal immigration is a government plot.
The counterculture is a government plot.
Vaccines are a you-know-what.
Thumbscanning is a government plot.
Environmentalism is a government plot.
The National Seatbelt Initiative is a bloody government plot.
Feminism is a government plot.
Tollroads are a gummint plot.
This web page is a government plot.
Your mother is a government plot.
The goddam drug culture is a government plot.  (Alex Buzzkill Jones.)
Cell phones
are a government plot.
Wal Mart is a government plot.  (A Defense Department front.  It's all out there in the open...but only Alex Jones can see it. Far out.)
Sports are
a government plot...somehow.
Antidepressants are a government plot.  (Better you should say "What's NOT a government plot?")
All domestic terror attacks are government plots. (Pulled off by the most incompetent administration in history, fooling everyone in the world except angry white guys with IQ's in the mid-80's.)
The bad guys plant clues in TV shows and tell you what they're going to do on TV.  (Though only one man in the world can perceive these clues.  Think of the burden this puts on Alex.)
The government brings in all the drugs.  (All of them!  Only Alex Jones knows this.  No documentation.  No nothing.  Just another bad dream Alex mistook for news.)
Arnold Schwartzeneggar is a known Nazi.  (Only Alex knows this.  Someone alert the Kennedys.)
Arnold Schwartzeneggar is part of an Austrian plot to take over America.  (Alex really has it in for Arnie.  He has a web page devoted entirely to ad hominem attacks against the ex-terminator.)
Skull & Bones is part of an English plot to take over America.
The United Nations is part of a (very slow) plot to take over America.

***INTERMISSION***
Adjust your tin hats.

Children's cartoons are part of a government plot to brainwash us. (Alex Jones is immune.  Conspiracy guys are always immune to the brainwashing they see everywhere.  Nothing beats white-guy egotism!)
Organized religion is brainwashing us. (Doesn't Alex realize brainless people cannot brainwash?)
My cable show brainwashes you. (If that were true, people would be sending me money.)
The secret ruling elite of the world are putting up buildings that look like owls. (Only conspiracy people can see these owls, in case you were wondering.  I wonder why they don't build pyramids with eyes on top of them.)
Most major police chiefs are CIA operatives.
Gloria Steinham is a CIA operative.
The voting-machine companies are openly run by the CIA.  ("Openly run by the CIA" sounds like an oxymoron to me.)
The Quakers are communists.  (Er...I thought communists were atheists.  Of course, right-wing loonies have no concept of what communism is.)
All of Clinton's cabinet were Jewish.  (Alex is not anti-Semitic.  I don't know why he said this.  Another dream, I guess.)
People in Holland have tattoos saying "Don't Kill Me."  (Evidently a tougher country than we thought.)
Lyndon Johnson had John Kennedy killed. (I guess JFK was stupid, choosing LBJ as his running mate like that.  Conspiracy guys are stupid, so they think everybody is stupid.)
The UN has sold thousands of children into slavery & for snuff films.
Gays are actively recruiting in our schools. (Why do right-wing loonies always believe this?)
The government keeps "giant, honeycombed hives full of toddlers drugged on lithium" (twirling their moustaches & going "NYA-HAHAHAHA!"  The government...not the toddlers.)
The Rothschilds funded Hitler.  (Some of the Rothschilds were arrested by Hitler and ransomed back to their family; others escaped Nazi Germany with only their lives.)
People in Africa tear off their arms after receiving vaccinations.  (But then, we've all done that.)
The government is spraying us with EVIL CHEMICALS contained in the contrails of planes (also poisoning themselves, I guess.  Shows you how ruthless the elite are.)
The United Nations goes around Africa, sterilizing women at random (twirling their moustaches & saying "Nya-ha-ha-haa!")
Every soldier who died in any war since the Civil War was a chump (you thought they were heroes; turns out they were nothing but fools; how's THAT for patriotism?)
Antidepressants are a government plot to bum us out.
Mercury travels from Africa to Austin on the Jet Stream.  That's why Austinites have so many allergies.
IQ's are going down.  (IQ's are going up.)
The cancer rate is up.  (Most cancer rates are down.)
During his inauguration, President Clinton openly gave the sign of Satan for all the world to see.  (They all worship Moloch, don't forget.  I don't know how we get to Satan from there...but Alex says so.)
Alex Jones is saving humankind with his cable TV show, radio shows, & tapes (available for purchase, by the way).
Bad people are deliberately putting cancer viruses, AIDS viruses, & mercury in our vaccines (twirling their moustaches & going "Nya-hahaha!").
9-11 was only the beginning; there are going to be lots of even bigger domestic attacks (six years and waiting on this incredibly wrong prediction).
Most Americans believe the government was behind 9-11 (this is based on Alex's misreading of a Zogby poll; Alex misreads EVERYTHING)
They sacrifice babies at Bohemian Grove. (Try to imagine Richard Nixon sacrificing a baby.  Or GWB.  I guess Cheney would do it, perhaps inadvertently.)
They only hire people with IQ's below 100 to become police officers.   (Like most "Patriots," Alex Jones is essentially a cop-hater.  He will say anything bad about the police.)
Alex Jones has flawlessly predicted the future many times.  (This is a delusion common to conspiracy guys.  Here are some of Alex's bogus predictions.)

& finally...my personal favorite:

Alex Jones can predict the future, because he goes to the SECRET WEBSITES where the New World Order tells you EVERYTHING IT'S GOING TO DO!

Just think: if you can find Alex Jones's secret websites,
YOU can predict the future too!